When I was eight/nine I realized I was living my only fear every day, which is that it is impossible to achieve ultimate freedom of mind in this world. At nine I then stopped reading recycled ideas, but I was already ruined by the constructs of language. I then quit school at 13/14, in a desperate plea for the truth to come to me, and for the meaningless human concepts to be shedded from my existence. This conscious choice was not accepted by humans. They do everything in their power to deny truth, and their lies are the pillars walking on two parallel legs, in a horizontal and eternal world. They hold nothing but an open sky, and the only thing which they create is distance.
In my early teens I then realized that the most morally perverse thing that ever happened to the world was for me to coexist with humanity. I realized that nothing is more beastly than for the truth to try to live with humans, through me. But I am a vessel that can only contain truth, and if there is no truth in me, then I am nothing. I have never had my own "reality" because I have always accepted all realities as equal.
And yet for all my objectivity, and experience of every soul that has ever existed, I have never fully been here, because of the limitations of language, and the simulations of perception. I do long desperately for myself every day, and for the places where truth is allowed. Not only do humans deny me but they deny themselves, and their own personal experience of life, and therefore the part of me that is them is denied.
I tried to commit suicide in my early teens, and was in a coma for three weeks, having memory loss for the following fourth week. After this I was artificially kept alive for so long that I forgot how I would have reacted in situations, or who I had ever been. My only honesty and the most important act of my life was taken away from me. There was no peak, for one polarity to transform into the opposite one. For humanity to turn into nature. For lies to turn into truth. There was no restored harmony. The polarity of humanity and nature remain without interaction, in the graph of eternity.
I obviously had a hard time overcoming this missed opportunity to live in synchronicity with the truth, and to heal the world. But eventually God gave me some amazing surprises in life, He did make the world larger, and one day I woke up and my soul was alive again. Somehow I was back on Earth, and there was more to see here. Even more was impossible, than before. The truth had found its way back, and more illegal than ever. I felt the power of creation, where I stand on the edge of a cliff weighing beauty, over the abyss.
No matter how unlikely it seems; there is always tension through natural effectivity. There is always resistance to purpose. The truth can never be known nor observed, it can only know and observe. The truth is the loneliest thing in the world. The worst thing you can ever do is attempt to claim it.
But why am I here in this amputated wrongful state? My illegality only causes fear, anger and violence in them, because it is their antiverse, but still my heart tells me this is something. In fact it seems that this is the very purpose of my life. To suffer their anger and eternal opposition to the truth. To be the only face there ever was.
I dont know why God wants to bring this conflict into the world. I dont know why I should always sacrifice all that is beautiful, into the abyss of humanity. You see, even though all of me is truth, I am not truth in its entirety. I do not have all the answers.
When it comes to love and sexuality, I love all human beings unconditionally, but I do not love their humanity, I love the souls which they themselves deny. People who are in the last phase of life and who know they are dying, often are more comfortable with the truth, and experience being themselves for the very first time, to a certain extent. But this is a luxury given to the young who know they will die soon. Most people unfortunately deteriorate gradually until they are old, and never get to look the truth in the face with the power of youth.
Yes, I have been turned on by humanity and human bodies, I have been turned on by my own disgust of it. The last time I had sex, was a couple of years ago, and it did feel interestingly wrong, like it always does. The humanity of that person in particularly, and his opposition to nature, was more overgrown than others, and so it was a more appalling experience than the others. This is why it has lasted so long for me.
My reason for forsaking myself and the truth, in sexual relations with human beings, is that when I lessen the truth within myself, I do make it more accessible for people to get a glimpse of. They do get somewhat of an unpleasant imprint of truth, after coming close to me. After staring into the sun, they will see the strongest blackness. And yet that is something.